I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
whose parrot is this?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
