I'm eating all of the evidence.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
