Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
