Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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