You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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