NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
