that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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