Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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