I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
