bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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