There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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