the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
