trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
