Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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