You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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