I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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