I wish my penis had an off switch
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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