So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Randomize
