worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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