he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's always time for handjobs
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
