Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
