omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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