Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
