I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
