my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
