ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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