Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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