That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
whose parrot is this?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
