I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
