all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
