Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
