I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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