I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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