Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
