just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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