porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
