i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
