Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
