Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
