did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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