I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize