theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Did you just see the Batmobile???
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
