Just cropdusted the office
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
