the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
