i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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