I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
