Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize