I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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