Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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