i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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