i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
We are two peas in an std pod
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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