You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
