I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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