I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
