He had one of those small greek statue penises
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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