i think my tv is drunk
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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