I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
